Modern AU Hobbit Drabbles
by EMoore6
Summary: Complete and utter crack! This is a series of drabbles about the life of our favourite Dwarves and Hobbits. Warning! Chapters One, Three and Four contain shameless HIMYM references! **RATING MAY CHANGE AS THE STORY GOES ON**
1. Chapter 1

Dwalin sighed dejectedly as he looked up at Thorin danced around him.

"Bang, bang, bangity, bang; I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang!" Thorin sang continuously. Dwalin had made sure to come home early this morning from Ori's to avoid all of this humiliation; but unfortunately for him he didn't get in early enough. Thorin had spotted a particularly impressive hickey on the side of his neck which was just high enough to avoid being covered by his shirt collar. Now, Balin laughing at his situation on the floor joining in with Thorin's ridiculous song when he had enough breath, before dissolving back into a giggling mess on the floor.

Bilbo entered the room, obviously having just gotten out of bed still half asleep, and stood still as he took in the situation before him. His eyes zeroed in on the deep purple hickey on Dwalin's neck.

"Don't!" Dwalin cut him gruffly "Just, don't!" before stalking out of the room leaving a laughing Balin and singing Thorin in his wake.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Today was Thorin and Bilbo's anniversary. They had been courting (Thorin was old fashioned and preferred this phrase to "dating") for 5 years, so they had decided to celebrate. All of their friends and family were invited, although with Bilbo's family in another country they had another few hours to wait until they arrived.

When their friends and Thorin's family had arrived, they relocated to Bilbo and Thorin's living room. Thorin said slyly to Dwalin, "So, you've been…ah… different today."

"Have I?" Dwalin replied distractedly, he didn't' think he had been any different, apart from, you know, being sucked into a whirling vortex of doom and deposited into another freaking universe!

"Yup. More…relaxed, I'd say." Thorin said innocently. "Don't you think so Balin?"

"Oh yes," Balin said, "much more at ease. Almost as if you've had tension lifted off your shoulders…."

Dwalin groaned, he knew where this was going and he'd be damned if it was going to happen in front of witnesses. "You will both shut your traps if you know what's good for you" he growled at his brother and best friend, who both surrendered with a shrug.

The room fell silent as the three men eyed each other. Bilbo crossed the room and sat on Thorin's lap with a quick kiss, "Don't be mean!" He chastised his boyfriend with a stern glare, "It's not our place to taunt Dwalin or Ori about their relationship."

"But Dwalin does it to me!" Thorin whined insistently, eyes pleading. "He does it all the time at work, this is payback! You can't tell me Ori didn't take the mick out of you when we first started out!"

"…. He did, but the fact that I don't make me the bigger person." Bilbo said unconvincingly. Thorin knew he had his foot in the metaphorical door and added "but it feels so satisfying to finally start getting them back for everything they did to us! Come on Bilbo, let's have a bit of fun!"

Bilbo knew he had lost when Thorin turned those big blue puppy eyes on him. There wasn't a chance in hell of refusing him now and Thorin knew it. Bilbo sighed and started singing softly, "Bang, bang, bangity bang, I said a bang, bang, bangity bang." Thorin's eyes lit up as Bilbo sang, he joined in grinning at his little love. "Bang, bang, bangity, bang; I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang!"

Dwalin groaned. He knew he had lost whatever ground he had gained when he heard them both singing. When Balin joined in, he knew there was no survival for his dignity if he stayed.

The others in the room soon caught onto what was happening as soon as the song got loud enough and joined in. Fili and Kili joined in as best they could, inserting adorable exclamations of "BANG"s where they could, while dancing/toddling around Dwalin's chair.

This was a fairly rare occurrence, but it still happened. Everyone knew what that song meant and took immense pleasure in joining in.

Dwalin had had enough. He stood and grabbed Ori from his position between his brothers and dragged him out of the room, cursing his best friend and meddling boyfriend under his breath. This prompted Thorin to cheer and sing louder, "BANG, BANG, BANGITY, BANG, I SAID A BANG, BANG, BANGITY, BANG!" the chorus could be heard from outside the house. Bilbo laughed and his heart swelled with uncontainable love at the immense amount of joy and satisfaction radiating off of Thorin as he sang. Bilbo caught Thorin's eye as he leaned down to gently press their lips together in a slow kiss; this right here, with Thorin and his family, was what true happiness felt like.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was very early morning that found Thorin sitting on the small bench outside of the house. He had had one of his fever present nightmares, which never failed to make him reminiscent of his life 'Pre-Bilbo' as he was wont to call it.

He remembered the way he felt after his parents had died in that car crash, his life shattered into a million pieces with a multi-million pound corporation to Head and two younger siblings to look after, all at the age of 18. He was barely legal and had all of this duty and power thrust upon him. It was Hell. The stress from the workload and from those who doubted he could step up to the mark in such a short space of time weighed upon him massively, which had led to a severe depression for a period of a few months.

Then, Bilbo fell into his life. Quite literally, fell. One minute Thorin was walking and working on his tablet, then he was on the floor with the most gorgeous man he had ever seen draped over his chest, stammering apologies as he quickly moved away. Thorin remembered keenly missing the warmth of the stranger, but took the chance to assess the messy blonde curls and the big green eyes staring down at him. He remembered the soft hand that helped him up and collected his tablet off the ground. They had talked and exchanged phone numbers fairly quickly after that. Bilbo was the one to ask Thorin out to dinner a few months later, and the rest, as they say, is history. Bilbo had been a blessing on his life. With Bilbo by his side he had quickly overcome his depression and learned to balance his work and home life effectively, learning to enjoy life in the process. Since Bilbo, he had done so many things that he would never have even dreamed of doing otherwise: when they were starting out Bilbo took him and his nephews to the theme park so that he could get to know them; Bilbo had also challenged him to do many other adrenaline filled experiences like paragliding over the French Alps and skydiving for charity.

All in all, Thorin thought, his life hasn't been bad. Being with Bilbo had taught him to see the good things in life, in his case, Loving family, friends, an extremely successful career, and a partner that will (hopefully) soon be his husband. Thorin sighed. He drew out a small velvet box from his coat pocket. He and Bilbo were to be going out tonight. Thorin had and it all planned: They are on their way to Thorin's chalet in the French Alps for the romantic getaway they had been planning for months. It was near enough to civilisation that they could get all the supplies they needed within half an hour, but far enough away that they could have as much alone time as they wanted. It would be bliss. Candle lit dinner courtesy of their private chef and then out onto the balcony where they would cuddle on blankets around the built in open fire. Then after he had gathered enough courage, he would ask Bilbo to be his.

For all that he made fun of Dwalin's relationship with Ori, he knew exactly how they felt. He and Dwalin had talked this over many times, Dwalin making sure that this was exactly what Thorin wanted. "Aye" Thorin had said. Every time his best friend had posed the question. The amount of conviction in that one utterance was staggering to the both of them every single time.

Tonight. Thorin thought. Tonight, will be the first night of his future. A future that starts with Bilbo.

**A/N Wow! For a piece that was meant to be pure fluff and crack it sure got a bit angsty towards the end there! Oh well, more to come guys, but updates will be quite slow at the moment. RL takes priority at the moment considering I have exams to pass and all. But never fear, I will update when I can. **

**Reviews are welcomed and very much appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

High up in the French Alps, nestled between the trees, was a Chalet. This chalet wasn't one of the normal chalets that any normal person could get, this chalet belonged to the illustrious Durin family, and that meant luxury.

This was where Thorin was driving to at the moment. He'd just been out getting everything on his shopping list (Bilbo's list, but didn't want to sound too whipped even if no one was here to read his mind…) and was taking the mountain roads cautiously in the veritable snow storm he was travelling through.

Thorin was experiencing an emotion, he'd never thought he'd ever experience. Nervousness. This was apparently a time for new experiences, and it was all because of one man. Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo. God, where would he even start?! This man has been the centre of his life for a good few years now, and those years had been the best of his entire life. Thorin was not afraid to admit this, _had_ admitted it quite a few times, mainly during the early hours of the morning curled around his little love, watching how that cute little turned up nose would scrunch up when he was being "overly sappy".

Thorin remembered keenly how he had left Bilbo back at the chalet, snuggled up in Thorin's skiing jumper in the spacious modern living room with the fire roaring in the background, desperately trying to stay awake to finish his book (he was so close to the end!). Thorin thought he deserved all the sleep he could get after that impressive feat he had pulled off not 12 hours earlier.

He'd never thought that all those people would have been able to fit in their apartment, but somehow Bilbo, with his Mary Poppins/Timelord _magic_ that was just uniquely _Bilbo,_ had managed to do just that, as well as cook a fantastic buffet and organise a place for the children to play in safely with all the toys they wanted. Thorin would never work out how he did it. All he knew was that Bilbo wanted a party for their five year anniversary, so Thorin funded it.

The Bentley swiftly cut through the snow that was getting thicker and thicker as Thorin drove. He was nearly at the Chalet, driving through that last typically picturesque alpine village that was between him and Bilbo.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Honey I'm home!"

"Thank God you're back! I was worried you'd be stranded out in the storm somewhere, and I would have to brave the storm with dramatic music in the background and be the dashing hero that saves your hairy ars—"Thorin rolled his eyes affectionately and cut Bilbo off with a kiss.

"So you've finished your book then."

"Yup!" Bilbo replied happily, bouncing on the balls of his feet, brushing some snow off of Thorin's jacket.

Bilbo always got a bit overexcited when he finished a fantastic book. It always ended up in with him applying situations from the book-world he had been dragged out of, to real life scenarios. It was quite entertaining for Thorin as Bilbo seemed to do it automatically, not even realising he was doing it at times. It led to some very interesting conversations as well…

"Come on, let's get this food put away."

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Romantic Anniversary Holiday to Chalet booked: CHECK

Get to Chalet with as little trouble as possible: CHECK

Food Shopping (because Bilbo demanded to be allowed free reign in the kitchen without other cooks ruining his meals): CHECK

Eat whatever food Bilbo cooks (not a hardship if he was perfectly honest, Bilbo's food is _heavenly_): CHECK

Curl up with his partner out on the balcony next to the sunken open fire with a glass of 1955 Domaine Leroy Richebourg Grand Cru ("Thorin! Honestly it's not that much of a celebration!" "Oh come on Bilbo, It's not even the most expensive wine I've got in the back! Humour me?"): CHECK

Things were going great! Thorin was extremely happy with the way the first night was going. He was standing at the entrance to the balcony, leaning against the wall soaking in the sight before him. The balcony had been covered with blankets and cushions to ward off the cold of the night and the fire had been banked up enough to last until they finally went to bed. Bilbo was sat in the midst of everything, watching the snow gently fall beyond the overhang of the roof, sipping his glass of wine.

He knew that now was the time. It was now or never. Thorin didn't feel the nerves that had nearly crippled him since he made the decision to propose. He didn't feel the numbness he felt all through today when the nerves got too much to bare. He felt hope.

Bilbo looked towards the door and smiled up at Thorin from his place on the cushion covered floor. Yep, definitely hope. And love.

Thorin went and sat down next to his little love, pulling him close and wrapping one of the many blankets from the floor around them. Bilbo shuffled close and positively melted into Thorin with a little happy sigh.

Thorin took a deep breath. For all his preparation he had yet to find a way to start this particular conversation. All his life, he has gotten on rather well with just coming out and bluntly saying what he wanted. Though, from the advice he had gotten from his friends he got the impression that this was a subject that was meant to be started gently, subtly.

"Bilbo?"

"hmm?" Bilbo looked up at him lazily with a small smile playing around on his face.

Thorin was stuck dumb. He just couldn't contain the amount of love he felt for this one being. Bilbo's face glowed with the fire light, the ends of his curls lit up like a halo around his head and his blue eyes were swimming with contentment as he cuddled with Thorin.

"Marry me."

Bilbo's eyes widened with surprise. He turned fully in Thorin's arms, straddling his thighs, never leaving Thorin's embrace. Thorin had meant to say it with a bit more of an introduction, he really had…But really, words were never his forte. Thorin broke Bilbo's gaze and pulled out the ring he had gotten months ago, opening it between them.

Bilbo's eyes were drawn down to the ring and his mouth opened in a gasp. It was beautiful; it was a simple gold band with a small oval ruby encased in gold at the top. His life with Thorin was perfect. He didn't think it could have gotten any better. He was, apparently, so, so wrong.

"Yes!" There wasn't any other answer. No other answer Bilbo could have possibly fathomed giving this perfect man, who had put up with all of his weird crap (yes he does acknowledge that he gets a bit weird when he finishes whatever book he'd recently read, thank you very much) and is willing to put up with it for the rest of his life…

Bilbo dove down to kiss Thorin utterly senseless. Thorin's surprise filtered through in his kisses, his mind like a stuck record repeating Bilbo's "Yes!" over and over again like he couldn't quite believe that this was all real.

Thorin's kisses turned reverent, making Bilbo feel like a puddle of goo in his lover's (now fiancé's) lap. After a while, Bilbo gentled the kiss until he was pressing little butterfly kisses on Thorin's lips. "Yes…yes…yes" Bilbo mumbled between kisses, his lips never leaving their counterpart's.

They spent the rest of their evening like this, Bilbo curled up with his legs slung over Thorin's, leaning into the heat of his fiancé(!), trading kisses as the sun set and the stars started shining in the clear night's sky.

Right here, Right now, everything was right with the world. There was nothing that could break this sense of pure love and happiness radiating from the Chalet.

.

.

_**BUZZZZZT**_

_From: Dwalin_

_You got ya shit together yet? Everyone's dying to know if ya bringin' a Mrs Durin home anytime soon?_

.

.

"Fucks sake Dwalin!"


	3. The One with the Slap Bet

Frerin was a singularly unique person; for a very simple reason. He was the only one, who could _really_ get under Thorin's skin. From his constantly flirtatious ways towards everything that moved to his perchance for moving everything around that belonged to Bilbo whenever he visited. It wasn't intentional; Thorin didn't want to feel like this towards his brother. But when his brother was in one of his _moods_, Thorin just…did. He assumed it was what all big brothers felt like towards their little brother. As it was, Frerin knew his brother's feelings and took every opportunity the Valar gave him to, poke the bear, so to speak. Frerin took every chance to annoy his brother, as that was what little brothers were supposed to do. Apparently.

But as with everything, it soon all came to a head, as it often does, in the most spectacular of ways.

You see, it started off like this:

"Hey, Thor!" Frerin flung the door to Thorin's study open and strode in.

"Don't call me that" came the automatic, but resigned reply of someone who knew they were fighting a losing battle.

"Why don't you love me Thor?" whined Frerin, coming to sit in the chair opposite Thorin, fiddling with the stationary that was littering Thorin's desk.

Thorin didn't dignify his little brother's question with a reply and kept his attention (what was left of it anyway) on the recent finance report his secretary had emailed to him earlier that day.

Obviously not enjoying his lack of response from his big brother, Frerin moved to sit on the desk on top of all Thorin's papers. "Whatcha doing Thor?"

"Frerin get your arse off my stuff" was the surly reply he got.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Get off"

"Whatcha do—"

"FRERIN GET OFF MY WORK!" Thorin yelled, absolutely exasperated at his brother's antics.

"Fine! Sheesh Thorin, take a chill pill." Frerin smirked, finally getting the response he wanted from his brother. He swung his legs away from the desk letting the momentum drag him (and some of Thorin's papers) off the desk.

"What do you want Frerin?" Thorin asked harshly, rearranging the papers that his brother messed up so that he could see them better. He already knew what his brother wanted, but his work had been piling up since he came back a couple of days ago from his anniversary holiday with Bilbo, and he couldn't take a night off just to help his brother get laid.

"Okay, so, there is this really hot girl at the bar in town and I need your help. You need to be…well, you… but with a more, attractive, personality. You know, something that girls would go for! Try filthy rich with a side of seduction—"

"Get to the point Frerin" Thorin growled.

"You need to go up to this girl and flirt a bit—"

"No! Frerin! I'm engaged to be married!" Thorin shakes his head, disgusted at the mere thought of cheating on Bilbo, even if it was fake.

"Well, you could—"

"I said 'No' Frerin! I'm sorry, but I can't do it, try someone else. Try Bofur or Nori! I'm sure they'll help. If not then I'm sure you'll come up with something. Your ever-growing amount of sleazy pick-up lines never seem to fail." Thorin turns back to his work, still minutely shook up from his brother's suggestion.

"Urgh! Fine!" Frerin strides out of the room, dramatically, in a fit of childish pique. Thorin quietly chuckles to himself. For all of this brother's annoying traits, he really does know how to express his emotions with flare.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Thorin heard raised voices outside his study a short while later. Well, it was maybe stretching it to say _voices_ it was one voice that stood out above all the rest…

"Fine! You know what? I don't need anyone's help! I'll get this girl to sleep with me tonight by being my usual charming self!"

Thorin snorted and made his way to the hall.

"…I'll bring her and one of her friends home tonight and have hot, noisy sex for you all to hear, and you'll all be jealous of me and my skills with women!"

"Care to bet on that?" Thorin asked innocently. He knew that the likelihood of Frerin coming home with more than one woman on his own was fairly small, and so was quite confident with the plan that was quickly forming in his head…

Frerin stared at Thorin as if he couldn't quite grasp that he was being challenged. He looked around the room, most people were looking at Thorin as if he was mad. They all knew that Frerin was the most skilled at picking up women, and if anyone was to come home with more than one woman it was most likely him.

"Thorin, what are you doing?" Bilbo had sidled up to his fiancé during the commotion and now whispered to him frantically.

"Don't worry, I have an idea" and oh boy, did Thorin have an idea! Frerin had been acting supremely childish all day, giving everyone a headache of extreme proportions. Thorin, was reminded of his older teen years and early twenties. But, he was reminded of one thing in particular… He was about to get the best revenge he could think of.

"What…what type of bet?" asked Frerin suspiciously.

"Just a bet." Thorin replied with an evil smirk.

Frerin faltered. That smirk was rarely seen, and was something to be feared when it was aimed at you. But his Durin stubbornness and pride kicked in; whatever it was, Frerin was sure he could take it.

Frerin took a moment to gather his courage. "Alright Thorin. Name your terms."

Thorin's smirk widened. "My terms will seem a bit strange to you Frerin." He walked forward and turned to address the whole room. "But some of you will recognise them. Frerin, I propose…." Thorin paused for effect, "I propose, a Slap Bet."

Most of the people gathered "Oooo'd" appropriately. They knew what a Slap Bet was. Frerin startled at the reaction of the room. "a…a Slap…Bet?" he asked meekly.

Thorin grinned. "A Slap Bet. So! To the terms! Frerin, you said that you would return home tonight with, not one, but TWO women who are willing to have intercourse with you. This will be done by you, and you alone. You will have no help, but that shouldn't be a problem for you surely? Why, just a moment ago you were boasting about the effectiveness of your charms on women. You must honour the terms of this bet, or you will automatically lose."

Thorin paused in his speech to let the last statement sink in. "Bilbo, I would ask you to be Slap Bet Commissioner. I trust you to be fair in this, and not to favour me even if Frerin should win."

Bilbo was stunned. He had never even _heard_ of a Slap Bet until five minutes ago, and now he was to be _Commissioner_?! He looked up at Thorin, intent on turning the offer down due to his inexperience, but one look into those trusting blue eyes made all of his resistance disappear. He was being trusted to be a fair and just Commissioner. So a Fair and just Commissioner he would be. "Of course, Thorin. I would be honoured."

Thorin turned back to Frerin, "If you lose, you have a choice. You can receive ten slaps anywhere on your person immediately. Or, you can receive five slaps which can be deliverable anywhere from here to eternity. If you win, and you do manage to sleep with two women tonight, you get to slap me. Sound fair?"

Frerin was silent for a moment, thinking the bet over. Thorin knew he would have to be sure of his ability to seduce women if he wanted to win. Frerin didn't want to be slapped by his brother, which was a likely outcome if he took the bet. But then again, he was being challenged by his brother, so the inevitable sibling rivalry reared its ugly head.

"I accept"

Bilbo thought it all over and a spotted a few issues with this plan. Being the Commissioner, he thought wryly, probably means I have to deal with these problems now. Bilbo cleared his throat.

"Frerin, since you have accepted, you will need to be monitored to make sure no cheating occurs during your seductions. You will need some rules while you are out to make sure that this remains fair. So, rule number one: at no point in the evening are you allowed to mention the bet to, or in earshot of, anyone who is not currently present in this room. Rule number two: you must obey the stakes of the bet no matter what, this means that you are to sleep with two women, not have picked up two women and then have one of them leave before you get them back to this house. And finally, rule number three: you must be in sight of one of your monitors for the entirety of the bet. Understood?

Frerin nodded his head. He had gone a bit pale at the thought of being monitored the whole evening.

"Now, to decide who are the best candidates to be your monitors…" Bilbo continued thoughtfully. "I think Dwalin and Nori would be the best people to go. Are you willing?"

Dwalin and Nori nodded enthusiastically, eager to be a part of the bet and to get revenge on Frerin for the trouble he had caused them.

"I will go as well since I am the commissioner. I should probably be there too to make sure he does actually follow the rules." Bilbo said reluctantly. He had been looking forward to a quiet night in with his partner after the day he had had dealing with Frerin.

Thorin nodded. "Very well. Let the Slap Bet begin!"


	4. The One Where Someone Gets Slapped

Bilbo hadn't wanted to go out tonight. But he was doing this for Thorin.

This whole situation was utterly ridiculous in his opinion.

He'd known Thorin was prone to silly decisions every once in a while, God knows he's done some stupid stuff in his time! But this went beyond even Bilbo's expectations!

Here he was, with Dwalin and Nori in what was probably the seediest bar he had ever been to! Bilbo sighed. He probably wasn't going home anytime soon either. He and Dwalin were sitting at a table to the side, watching over the proceedings, while Nori was… well, they didn't really know. Nori had scarpered off to God knows where as soon as they sat down with their drinks.

Frerin, so far, had been unsuccessful. He was running out of time and his desperation was starting to show.

"Urgh! I'm usually better than this! Can't you guys go someplace else and stop cramping my style?" Frerin groaned after returning from another unsuccessful venture.

"What style? Maybe you're aimin' too high" Dwalin smirked behind his pint of beer.

"Fuck off!" Frerin shot back. "As if you could do any better!"

"Don't need to. I've already got Ori, what else do I need?" Dwalin smiled wistfully, his eyes hazy as he was so obviously thinking of his partner back home.

"You are so disgustingly in love." Frerin said, looking sickened by the way his cousin was acting. "And who are you texting?! It'd better not be Thorin!" Frerin had turned his attention to Bilbo who was tapping away on his phone.

"Of course it's Thorin, who else would it be?" Bilbo replied distractedly, his conversation with his fiancé capturing most of his attention. "You're taking too long and I'm only here reluctantly anyway. Hey, since I'm the slap bet commissioner, can I set a deadline?" Bilbo looked at Dwalin thoughtfully (and a little bit hopeful as he really did just want to snuggle up with Thorin and read some more of his latest book. His tasted had turned more towards the Gothic genre now, which tickled Thorin endlessly as he had taken the opportunity to scare Bilbo out of his wits at every chance he could get!).

"NO! You can't do that right Dwalin? He can't set a deadline can he?!" Frerin looked frantically at his cousin, horror struck.

"Well, since he is the commissioner Lad, he technically makes the rules. So, yes Bilbo. You can set a deadline." Dwalin's smirk had returned as Frerin paled.

"Urgh! Fantastic!" Bilbo said, absolutely relieved to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Bilbo leaned over to Frerin, "Right, you have until midnight to walk out of here with two girls and they'd better both be at the house tomorrow morning or I will declare this mission failed, you got that?"

Frerin nodded furiously. Glancing at his watch, he stood and prepared himself. With a renewed determination (and desperation) he stalked back to the bar.

"He's not gonna do it is he?" Bilbo asked wearily, watching Frerin start up a new performance with a platinum blonde with a skimpy skirt.

"He hasn't got a hope in hell." Dwalin replied easily, taking a lazy swig of his beer.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Thorin was feeling confident.

He was keeping in close contact with Bilbo, receiving regular updates on Frerin's progress. Or, more precisely, _lack of_ progress.

Thorin happily continued on with the work that had been interrupted by Frerin's shenanigans earlier on, and was in such a good mood he found that he was motivated enough to get it all done within a few hours. After saving his work, Thorin lazily wandered into the living room where his nephews were sitting watching cartoons on the TV and sat on the sofa; as soon as Thorin had sat down, Fili and Kili jumped from their place on the floor in front of the TV and leaped on their Uncle, snuggling in to resume watching their cartoon.

Thorin smiled and tucked his nephews in to his sides.

Everything was going just the way he wanted.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Frerin was panicking.

It was half an hour until midnight, and he only had one girl.

This was a disaster!

He was going to lose.

Frerin glanced across at Bilbo and Dwalin. Nori had eventually joined them at some point in the evening, and all three of them were looking at him and tapping their wrists.

Great.

Like he wasn't under enough pressure already.

Well, Frerin thought. There is only one thing for it now….

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Bilbo called Time.

He'd had enough.

It was midnight. He had work tomorrow.

He was getting withdrawal symptoms from being away from his fiancé for too long.

Bilbo wanted to snuggle up with his Fiancé in bed and fall asleep in those strong, protective (possessive might actually be a better word) arms.

Frerin wasn't going to hold him back any longer.

"Get your skinny arse over here NOW, Frerin!" Bilbo growled at his future-Brother-in-law.

Frerin whined back at him. "But Bilbooo! I'm not done yet!" He winked lasciviously at one of the girls under his arms.

Frerin, in his inebriated state, had managed to pick up, not one, not two, but three women all in similar states of intoxication.

"What the hell did you do?! Drug them?" Dwalin asked incredulously after he helped one of them up from falling onto the pavement.

Frerin and the girls giggled manically at his suggestion as if it was the funniest thing they had ever heard.

Bilbo rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone to ring Thorin.

"Hey Hun! You will never guess what happened…."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Thorin was….scared.

Truly, utterly terrified.

Frerin wasn't supposed to have completed the challenge! He was supposed to have failed miserably and come begging for mercy, for benevolence. Which Thorin wouldn't have given considering how much trouble Frerin had caused.

And now he was going to get slapped. _Hard_.

He had put Fili and Kili to bed, not wanting to get shown up in front of them, when Frerin and his three (!) girls waltzed through the door. He could already see the smug smirk his brother would inevitably be wearing. Urgh! It was disgusting.

Thorin was pacing in his office, waiting for Bilbo to come home.

There at least, he would get some comfort. Some sympathy. Before he eventually got his up-commence.

Which he was absolutely _dreading_.

Thorin moaned and flopped back into his chair, eyes closed, looking the very picture of misery.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jesus H Christ. Frerin was _so_ predictable, Thorin thought sullenly. Waltzing through the front doors like he owned the place, the three girls tripping over their stupidly tall high heels to get to him. Disgusting.

Thorin was watching Frerin's parade from his office doorway, leaning to one side with his arms folded.

"Oh stop sulking." Bilbo walked up to Thorin tiredly, "You did bring this upon yourself after all."

Bilbo wrapped his arms around his fiancé, leaning into his broad chest as Thorin's arms drew him in as close as possible.

"'m not sulkin'" Thorin mumbled into his little love's hair.

Bilbo chuckled, "Yeah you are."

"Aw! Aren't they the cutest!"

Thorin and Bilbo both turned to look at the perpetrator, who was clinging to Frerin's arm with a sickeningly sweet smile on her face.

"Umm, thank you?" Bilbo said hesitantly, while Thorin hid his face in the crook of Bilbo's neck. Bilbo turned in Thorin's arms, conscious of the way the girls in the room looked at them. He murmured, "Come on love, let's get to bed. I'm absolutely whacked."

Thorin pressed his forehead against Bilbo's and nuzzled their noses together. He sighed, uncaring about the extra attention on them. "Alright. Let's go."

Thorin and Bilbo had only made it a few steps when suddenly they heard a loud crash. Bilbo and Thorin startled and turned around to face the direction the noise came from and saw Frerin's brunette on the floor with shards of the ceramic vase around her.

"Whoopsie!" The brunette giggled, then stopped and looked to Frerin with drunkenly concern "Is that gonna come off my favour?"

Frerin froze. "Uhh…well…"

"What? What favour" Bilbo stalked towards Frerin menacingly. "Is this a set up? Are you _paying_ them?!

"No silly! We see Frerin all the time down at the bar; he's a really good guy, buying us drinks all the time and protecting us from… unsavoury folk, shall we say. Anyway, he asked us for a favour –which was to come here and pretend to sleep with him- and said that he'd repay in whatever way we choose! Char just chose money. I said he owed me one for the future which leaves it open for whatever I may need!" The Blonde still hanging on his arm stroked a caring finger down Frerin's now very pale, very guilty face. The blonde suddenly turned to Bilbo and whispered loudly, "But we can't tell….umm… it was someone called…Thorn?" She looked to Frerin for confirmation, but Frerin had seemingly turned into a statue, so she looked back at Bilbo excitedly "Because then it will all be for nothing!" The Blonde giggled and staggered her way towards her friends helping her from the middle of the broken vase.

Through all of this Thorin slowly made his way downstairs; little by little, hope and excitement was filling his whole being.

"Frerin?" Bilbo demanded, "Is this true?"

Frerin stammered, "I- I uh, well…"

"I think that's proof enough. I'll take it." Bilbo replied adamantly, "Thorin? Be a dear and get Dwalin and Nori back here for me please! I need witnesses."

Frerin suddenly snapped back to reality and his head turned sharply as he looked at Thorin. Thorin met Frerin's panicked gaze coolly, never taking his eyes off Frerin as he answered sadistically: "It would be my absolute pleasure, Bilbo." Thorin turned back towards the stairs that led to the bedrooms and scaled them languorously.

As Thorin walked out of sight, Frerin turned to Bilbo and dropped to his knees, panic clearly written on his entire being. "Please! Please don't do this Bilbo! I will do anything for you! Anything at all, just please don't let Thorin slap me!"

Bilbo sighed and tried not to feel bad for his future Brother-in-Law. "I'm sorry Frerin. There's nothing I can do. You cheated and must face the consequences. I will consult with Dwalin and Nori about your punishment in the morning. Ah Thorin! There you are! What took you so long?"

Thorin walked towards them sedately with Dwalin and Nori behind him. When they reached the faintly shaking Frerin, Thorin broke formation to come and stand behind Bilbo and wrap his arms around his waist. "They didn't want to get out of bed, the lazy sods." Thorin placed his chin on Bilbo's shoulder and kissed the apples of his cheek.

"Hey, you dragged me away from Ori and a bed at half one in the morning! What do you expect? Me running up and down the mountains singing the sound of music?" Dwalin replied defensively.

"The fact that you know what that is disturbs me." Thorin deadpanned.

"Anyway!" Bilbo cut in, eager to stop the fight before it started. "There is a reason we called you both here. Would you like to explain Frerin?"

"Uh… nope! There is no reason why you're both here, I'll just take my leave now with the girls! Good night all!" Dwalin caught Frerin by the collar before he could get away and threw him back into the middle. He then herded the girls into the circle as well; they moved reluctantly looking like a group of guilty puppies.

Bilbo sighed. "Frerin here has asked these girls, with whom he was previously acquainted with, for a favour. And this favour was to come and _pretend_ to sleep with him for which he will pay them back in whatever way they choose. That's about the gist of it, right Frerin?"

Frerin opened his mouth as if to defend himself, but Nori got there first.

"Frerin! Tell us the truth!" Nori barked. "I want this over quickly so I can get back to bloody bed!"

Frerin closed his mouth slowly and nodded.

"Okay, well, since it's now…" Bilbo checked his watch, "… quarter to two in the morning, I suggest that we all go to sleep. Tonight, I will think on Frerin's punishment for breaking the rules and will reveal it in the morning. Everyone satisfied?"

Dwalin, Nori, and Thorin nodded, relieved and excited for what tomorrow –and Bilbo- would bring.

Frerin looked like he was going to pass out.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The next morning brought with it an air of tension and anticipation which encompassed the manor. Everyone had gathered in the kitchen for breakfast as they usually did and everyone was going about their day with their normal routines: Dori fixing a cup of tea for those who wanted one; Bombur and Bilbo at the industrial sized AGA cooking more breakfast so Bofur and Nori weren't fighting over the last sausages; Thorin, Dwalin, Gloin and Bifur talking business over the Island in the middle of the kitchen with paperwork strewn on the surface around their food; Bofur, Ori and Nori keeping Fili and Kili occupied until their plates could be refilled. All business as usual as far as Bilbo was concerned Frerin was the only one who hadn't surfaced from his bedroom yet, which Bilbo was quite happy with as it gave him some more time to think on Frerin's forfeit.

Bilbo was cooking some more bacon (a special request from Kili) and thinking on Frerin's forfeit when he felt Thorin's hands settled on his hips and his mouth on Bilbo's ear.

"I'm guessing someone didn't get any sleep last night." Thorin whispered into Bilbo's slightly pointed ear as he watched a sleep deprived Frerin drag himself to a seat next to the island in the middle of the kitchen and rest his head in his hands.

"Yeah. Poor thing. I think it's probably best to get it over and done with for him." Bilbo whispered back sympathetic to his Fiancé's brother.

Bilbo took the now-ready bacon to Kili, put the pan into the dishwasher and cleared his throat which grabbed the attention of all who were in the kitchen.

"So, Frerin, let's get this over with. Since you cheated your way through the bet last night, it means that you have lost. You have forfeited the bet and must now step forward to claim your punishment."

Frerin took a deep shaky breath and slid off of the bar stool he had sat on, to stand in front of Bilbo and Thorin, who had walked over to Bilbo as soon as he started speaking.

"In regards to your punishment, I will very generously give you a choice." Bilbo said.

Frerin looked to Bilbo, hope written clearly across his face. "a…a choice?"

"A choice." Bilbo repeated. "You can have TEN slaps from Thorin now, in succession, OR, you can have FIVE slaps which can be doled out any time from now to eternity."

Thorin chuckled and clapped his hands together gleefully, extremely happy with the punishment Bilbo had come up with.

Bofur abandoned the children to the care of Nori and Ori and skipped up to Frerin, leaning on the breakfast bar. "I'd get the 10 now; get it all over with at once." There was a murmur of agreement from some of the company, but most of them voiced their disagreements.

"Are you serious?" Ori replied incredulously from his position behind Fili. "Why get ten when you can just get five?"

"Yeah, but the constant anticipation of being slapped at any moment from now onwards would be absolute Hell!" Gloin shouted out. "Better to get ten now so it's over and done with."

"I'll take the five." Frerin said to Bilbo, pointing at Bofur and Gloin sharing their reasoning.

"Bad choice." Dis mumbled from her place on the sofas. This sparked a raucous argument between everyone in the kitchen.

"All right! The bet is finished!" Bilbo stated holding his hands up to draw the attention of the Company to him. "Frerin you will be subjected to FIVE slaps from Thorin, to be dished out whenever he chooses from now until forever or until Thorin has used up his five slaps! Thorin what are your feelings on this?"

Bilbo turned to his Fiancé and was shocked by the wide grin on his face.

"It's fantastic my love, as always." Thorin stated smugly, never breaking his gaze from Frerin's. Thorin left Bilbo' side and walked to the Island. He reached passed Frerin to get his coffee and paperwork when he brushed his brother's shoulder. Frerin flinched at the unexpected contact and looked at Thorin warily. Thorin noticed this and looked at Frerin amusedly.

"Whoa, calm down there little Brother! It looks like someone's suffered from premature slapulation. Don't worry, I'm not gonna slap you right now." Thorin looked down, examining his hand, still chuckling and smirking at a pale faced Frerin., "Nah, I'm gonna save these bad boys!"

Frerin flinched again and whimpered as Thorin walked past him, brushing up against Frerin as he went. Bilbo sighed and gave Thorin a chastising look as he went back to the long AGA and resumed making breakfast for his family. Dis vacated the sofas to come and help Bilbo with the cooking, while everyone else had gone back to whatever they were doing before and chatting amongst themselves on the mornings events.

Taking advantage of the calm that had descended over the kitchen, Dwalin let out a huge yawn and went over to cuddle Ori who had relocated to Dis' spot on the sofas near the window. They shifted about until they were both comfy, which ended up with Dwalin on the bottom sprawled out, and Ori lying on top of him like a human blanket. Ori didn't have a good night last night; he found it hard to sleep when Dwalin wasn't there with him, as he was used to the extra furnace-like warmth to snuggle into and hearing the _**thump thump thump **_of a steady heartbeat lulling him to sleep.

While everyone was distracted by the adorable display that was Dwalin and Ori, Frerin scanned the room looking at everyone with a small, hopeful smile. He was starting to relax a bit and turned to look at Tho-

_***SLAP***_

Everyone started and turned to look as Frerin was launched off the chair he was sitting on and onto the floor, propelled so much that he even did a couple of spins on the way down.

Thorin sniffed and rubbed his nose nonchalantly. "That's one." He stated while holding a up the finger he had used to rub his nose, and smiled as he gazed down onto the floor, looking at his brother who was sprawled at his feet. He chuckled , picked up his coffee and paperwork that was next to Bilbo's AGA, and started to walk to the door.

"Oh yes, This is going to be brilliant." Thorin said amusedly turning back to the kitchen to wave a goodbye to all those still standing around in complete shock as to what had just occurred.

Frerin groaned dazedly. Having not moved for an inordinate amount of time, Fili and Kili abandoned their play and went over to investigate the scene. They crouched down over their Uncle's prostrated body and looked at each other, mischief written plain across their faces. Kili poked his Uncle's cheek hard. After no response, they got down onto their little knees on either side of Frerin's head and yelled at the top of their lungs, "WAKE UP UNCLE FRERIN!"

Frerin jerked into action at the unexpected piercing noise being screamed into his ears, and the others in he kitchen laughed at his predicament and the children's antics. A giggling Dis and her husband Vili scooped up the children and tickled the living daylights out of them, while carrying their squirming, shrieking bundles into the garden to distract them and give Frerin some peace to recover.

Now Frerin was sitting up, everyone could very clearly see the violent red hand shaped mark blossoming on one side of his face. Balin and Dori looked on sympathetically and Balin propped Frerin up onto a bar stool while Dori went to go get some ice.

"You've only got yourself to blame Laddie." Balin said, rubbing Frerin's back as they waited for the ice.

"Right you lot!" Bilbo announced, "Breakfasts ready! Come and get it yourselves but make sure that there's enough for everyone!"

Instantly, everyone clamoured up to the plates and bowls on the Island which were piled high with Bilbo's fry up food. Bilbo put the plates he had already filled up on a tray ready to take to the resident Durin's, and surveyed the ensuing madness around him.

There wasn't a day that went by that wasn't eventful in the Durin household, Bilbo thought. And, to be perfectly honest, Bilbo knew he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Gosh! It's been absolutely ages since my last update! I'm so sorry, RL got in the way. From finding a new job to preparing for upcoming exams, things have been extremely hectic! In addition, this chapter didn't want to be written _at all_, and I'm not as happy with this chapter as I probably could be so this might get some editing done sometime in the Christmas Hols. Updates will probably be quite sporadic from now until the end of the school year, but I will do what I can for you all. Hopefully things will get better now that I actually have a job and motivation to do more writing!**


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